Distant From Life

I have now figured out that i am no longer depressed with life. I am just a bit distant. And the reasons why i am distant? I have no one to talk to anymore. No staying up til 3am talking to keeper, watching movie, or sat in the computer room. Instead i'm doing all those things on my own. William Carey seems too far to go to my mates. Therefore i'm affectively shutting myself away from the world. Even my flatmates have noticed that i haven't been around. I haven't even spoken to one of them since before Easter. and i heard Ross say this morning say "Is James in?" Dan replied - "probably not, he's never in anymore". So at least i suppose my lack of presence is being noticed with some people. I've gotta make sure that i don't slip away too much though, otherwise it is going to be really hard to claw myself back up into reality.Another thing i have noticed since i have become happier is that i'm no longer writing. It seems that my spoute of depression was inspiring me to write. The fact that i have lost my work twice in this year so far doesn't help things though. First in October i lost my writings that i started back in 2000, which meant a lot to me. And now i half lost half of the writings that i did over Easter. i should really learn to back up my work. And then i lost a paper copy of a poem i wrote about someone from Uni, so that is floating its way around Uni probably. It was left in C101 during IBO1002.So realising i'm distant, means that i'm distant from EVERYTHING at the minute. Friends and everything. Though, miracolously my mood is better than it was during the first term. Though in the first term i tended to numb the pain with alcohol. But there's only so much pain that can be covered with alcohol, before it starts causing problems. I have a constant reminder that i keep away that reminds me of a time where i was at my lowest in life in 2002 in my journal but that doesn't seem to be a problem to me anymore. 2005 is when i'm suffering the most, and it all stems from September 2004. Don't get me wrong - i don't regret going to Uni at all, but i just sometimes wish it was easier. It seems that my pretend world is becoming more reality than reality itself. I'm changing so much these days that even i don't know what i'm becoming and i sometimes just sit back and let these changes happen - whereas before i used to be able to control the urges. I don't even know who i am anymore.